SUSH'S RESIGNATION SPEECH

Normally, I start these things out by saying "My
Fellow Americans."
Not doing it this time. If the polls are any
indication,

I don't know who more than half of you are anymore.
I do know something terrible has happened,

and that you're really not fellow Americans any
longer.

I'll cut right to the chase here: I quit.

Now before anyone gets all in a lather about me
quitting

to avoid impeachment, or to avoid prosecution or
something,

let me assure you: There has been no breaking of
laws

or impeachable offenses in this office.

The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you people

I'm fed up because you have no understanding

of what's really going on in the world.

Or of what's going on
in this once-great nation of ours.
And the majority of you are too damned lazy

to do your homework and figure it out.

Let's start local. You've been sold a bill of goods

by politicians and the news media.

Polls show that the majority of you think

the economy is in the tank.

And that's despite record numbers of homeowners,

including record numbers of MINORITY homeowners.

And while we're mentioning minorities,

I'll point out that minority business ownership

is at an all-time high.

Our unemployment rate is as low
as it ever was during the Clinton Administration.

I've mentioned all those things before,
but it doesn't seem to have sunk in.
Despite the shock to our economy of 9/11,

the stock market has rebounded to record levels,

and more Americans than ever

are participating in these markets.

Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices,

and most of you are too damn stupid to realize

that gas prices are high because

there's increased demand in other parts of the
world,

and because a small handful of noisy idiots

are more worried about bears, birds and bunnies
than about your economic security.

We face real threats in the world.

Don't give me this "blood for oil" thing.

If I were trading blood for oil,

I would've already seized Iraq's oil fields,

and let the rest of the country go to hell.

And don't give me this 'Bush Lied; People Died' crap
either.

If I were the liar you morons take me for,

I could've easily had chemical weapons planted in
Iraq

so they could be 'discovered.'

Instead, I owned up to the fact

that the intelligence was faulty.

Let me remind you that the rest of the world

thought Saddam had the goods, same as me.

Let me also remind you that regime change in Iraq

was official US policy before I came into office.

Some guy named 'Clinton' established that policy.

Bet you didn't know that, did you?

You idiots need to understand that we face a unique
enemy.

Back during the cold war, there were only two
competing

political and economic models squaring off.

We won that war, but we did so because
fundamentally,

the Communists wanted to survive,

just as much as we did.

We were simply able to outspend and out-tech them.

That's not the case this time.

The soldiers of our new enemy

don't care if they survive. In fact,
they want to die.

That'd be fine with me,

if they weren't also so committed

to taking as many of you with them as they can.

But they are.

They want to kill you.

And the bastards are all over the globe.

You should be grateful

that they haven't gotten any more of us,

here in the United States,

since September 11.

But you're not.

That's because you've got no idea

how hard a small number of intelligence,

>military, law enforcement, and homeland security

people have worked

to make sure of that.

When this whole mess started, I warned you

that this would be a long and difficult fight.

I'm disappointed how many of you people

think a long and difficult fight

amounts to a single season of Survivor.

Instead, you've grown impatient.

You're incapable of seeing things

through the long lens of history,

the way our enemies do.

You think that wars should last

only a few months,

a few years, tops.

Making matters worse,

you actively support those who help the enemy.

Every time you buy the New York Times,

every time you send a donation

to a cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign,

well, dammit,

you might just as well FedEx a grenade launcher

to a Jihadist.

It amounts to the same thing.

In this day and age,

it's easy enough to find the truth.

It's all over the Internet.

It just isn't on the pages

of the New York Times, or on NBC News.

But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any smarter.

Most of you would rather watch American Idol.

I could say more about your expectations

that the government will always be there

to bail you out,

even if you're too stupid to leave a city

that's below sea level and has a hurricane
approaching.

I could say more about your insane belief

that government, not your own wallet,

is where the money comes from.

But I've come to the conclusion

that were I to do so,

it would sail right over your heads

So I quit.

I'm going back to Crawford.
I've got an energy-efficient house down there,

(Al Gore could only dream of),

and the capability to be fully self-sufficient.

No one ever heard of Crawford
before I got elected,

and as soon as I'm done here,
pretty much no one will
ever hear of it again.
Maybe I'll be lucky enough
to die of old age

before the last pillars of America fall.

Oh, and by the way,

Cheney's quitting too.

That means Pelosi is your new President.

You asked for it.

Watch what she does carefully, because I still have a glimmer of hope

that there are just enough of you remaining

who are smart enough

to turn this thing around in 2008.

So that's it.

God bless what's left of America.

Some of you know what I mean.

The rest of you, kiss off.